Tuesday, April 6, 2010 - - 1 Comments
Two builders, (Geordie and Mackem), are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit
Geordie: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Mackem: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Geordie: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Geordie and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Geordie: - 'Scuse me... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering
what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Geordie: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Geordie: - Er ..... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond.
Which is it?
Geordie: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Geordie: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a
large garden then you have a large house?
Geordie: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house .... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to
assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
probably married? And with a family?
Geordie: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Geordie: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very
Geordie: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Geordie: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Geordie: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Geordie returns to his mate.
Mackem: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Geordie: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Mackem: - What's that then?
Geordie: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Mackem: - Nope
Geordie: - Well then, you're a wanker
Look at the picture below very carefully
Have you noticed the girl in the background?
Noticed her bum?
Well, look at the picture again.
If your answer is YES, then go and see an OPTOMETRIST.
Why? That’s because what you see is the shoulder of the girl taking the picture!!!
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
'What are you doing?!' She asked.
'Hunting Flies!' He responded.
'Oh! Killing any?' She asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' He replied.
Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls
A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, and God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died...
Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock..
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened here.
He asked "What”?
She said "This morning our neighbor James suddenly died."
Thursday, November 13, 2008 - - 0 Comments
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves were sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular elves do.
Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two other ones had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where to.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the ski boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys everywhere.
Totally frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the booze and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he dropped the coffee cup and it broke into hundreds of pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw that it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a cute little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree, fat man?"
And that my friend is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree ! ! !